It’s Never Too Late to Say What You Wish You Said

Have you ever found yourself in a situation when you either said something that you wish you didn’t say or didn’t say something that you wish you did?

If not, you are probably AI and I am not talking to you. But, the rest of us usually feel that way at least sometimes, whether it is after an argument, a job interview, losing a loved one to sickness or death, or even a chance encounter. For some reason, it often isn’t until we get some distance from the event that we begin to consider what we could’ve or should’ve said.

As you can see from the picture that accompanies this piece, I recently had a chance encounter with Oprah Winfrey. OPRAH WINFREY!!! And when I saw her, words came out of my mouth, but very few of them were what I would have said if I knew I was going to meet her. It wasn’t that I couldn’t think of anything to say though. It was that I could think of too many things to say and I just didn’t have the time to say them all. And believe me, if thoughts were people, scores of them were clamoring for my attention trying to get me to say the most important thing which turned out to be none of them, because in all honesty, I was overwhelmed, which is something I rarely feel. So, why the overwhelm you ask? Well let’s get into it.

What’s the Right Thing to Say

At its root, the term overwhelm means to be turned upside down and often carries with it the sense of being inundated or flooded or hit by a wave that knocks you over. As I alluded to, in my encounter with Oprah, my mind was flooded with thoughts. But they were not thoughts of her fame or that she is the richest woman in media or the richest Black Woman in the world or all that she symbolizes for so many people. What I was flooded by were thoughts of awe and wonder at the encounter that I can only describe as miraculous.

In my profile update where I originally shared the picture, I mentioned that there was a longer story behind the picture that I didn’t get into. While I did say that I had thought about Oprah before meeting her because of the memoir that I am considering writing, what I didn’t say was that while on my flight to Japan, I had started reading a book called, “The Screenwriter’s Bible” because in addition to writing the book, I was thinking about writing a screenplay surrounding a character based on my mother. This movie idea also had connection to Oprah Winfrey, which made the encounter even outrageous. But, before I get into that, here’s a little more backstory.

Where Attention Goes, Energy Flows

As I was reading the book, different scenes started to appear on the screen of my mind. They were fantastic scenes that captured the dynamism of my mother. My mom is an intense individual. When I was a kid, she had my brother and I take Judo classes while she studied Jiu Jitsu. And she would literally spar with us and make us get back to back with her and grapple when we got in trouble. Then on the other side, she was also a secret evangelist who preached at little churches from time to time under the cover of dark, because the church where she was an official member, didn’t allow women to preach. With her personality, there are only a few people making their mark right now who I could imagine playing her. One person I considered was Taraji P. Henson from Hidden Figures. But, since watching The Woman King and Matilda the Musical, there was only one actor who I felt could really play the role with the complexity that my mother contains, Lashana Lynch.

So sitting in that seat on the plane with my little reading light on, I literally imagined telling Mrs. Lynch about the movie and why it was important for me to write it. As I was imagining our conversation, I literally felt chills all over my body and releases as if I were experiencing an emotional healing with some aspects of my relationship with my mother. Since my mom developed dementia, I have been in a lot of reflection about how we were together. Even though I don’t know if she really remembers me as her son anymore, I sometimes still talk through some things with her, to which she usually replies, “Oh yeah.” Even though she might not get much out of it, I do. But mostly what I appreciate is that I am able to exhibit more affection toward her now than she would receive in her pre-dementia state. That in and of itself is freeing because there are so many things my mother and I were never able to reconcile. So many things left unsaid or unheard. However, imagining telling Mrs. Lynch about my mom and envisioning her giving expression to my mother’s intensity was a whole other level of liberating. And if anything, I was grateful for what the screenwriting process was bringing up for me to heal and forgive. It was as if I was saying it to my mom directly.

Well of course, if you are going to create a film that captures the sensory expressions that give flesh to the narrative you hope to share, besides great actors, you will need a great director. And there was only one person who I could see directing this movie–that at this point is only in my head and some notes on google docs–Ava DuVernay. The critical work that she’s done that highlights the multiple dimensions of the Black experience in America goes without saying. But, part of why I saw her as the perfect director was for her work on the highly underrated and–I think misunderstood– A Wrinkle in Time, which has imaginal elements that are critical to the story I want to tell about my mother.

As I love to remind people, Albert Einstein said, “I am enough of the artist to draw freely upon my imagination. Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world.” So much of who my mother was, that cannot be readily expressed in words, was that she was highly imaginative and deeply spiritual. And to tell that part of her story, I need someone who can conceptualize these elements of her being and communicate them on screen. Mrs. DuVernay did this admirably in Wrinkle–which also happened to star Oprah Winfrey–and showed a side of her visionary capacity that I would love to see again.

Now, what brings tears to my eyes, is that the more I imagined the scenes and seeing Mrs. Lynch portray them under the guidance of Mrs. DuVernay, the more it felt like I was getting pieces of my mother back. But, more than that, the deeper into the envisioning I went, the more it viscerally felt as if my mother was guiding me in my imaginal journey–as if she was reaching out beyond the seeming cage that her body has become and directly into my consciousness. It is hard to explain. But that is how it felt. And even after I got off the plane and started my trip in Japan, it felt like the guidance continued. As if my mother was walking with me, whispering to me, and reminding me of things I had long forgotten like the time she told me that in reality the past, the present, and the future all occupied the same point in eternity. And at that point, I knew for certain that it’s never too late to say what we wish we said. So, I said everything in the center of my heart and felt complete.

Time Collapses

“For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known. But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love.” 1 Corinthians 13:12,13

When I felt the nudge to “turn around now”, I could hardly believe my eyes. It was her. I had been thinking about her and there she was right behind me. Or was it her? Something looked different about her. It was her hair color. It was lighter than I had seen it before. Maybe she just looked like the woman I was thinking about. After all, what were the chances that she would be here in this restaurant in Tokyo. Close to none right? Only one way to find out. I had to ask her. So I did.

“Excuse me. Can I ask you something?”

Her reply was, “Yes.” But she had a look that suggested that I might be slightly intruding. There was a hesitancy. All of a sudden, I felt like I was making a mistake. She wasn’t who I thought she was. She couldn’t be. But, I was already talking to her now. So I decided to confirm my suspicions.

“Well, I was just wondering if you were in a movie with a magical little girl?”

“No. I wasn’t”

Hearing this, I started to apologize when my daughter walked up. “Matilda. Matilda. Weren’t you in Matilda and the Woman King? My daughter loves Matilda.”

“Oh yes. I was in Matilda and Woman King. It’s me.”

Before meeting Oprah in Japan, would you believe that I met the very woman I imagined would play my mother in my movie–Lashana Lynch. I couldn’t believe it. And yet, somehow I could. Suddenly my mind was flooded–overwhelmed if you will–with all of the things I wanted to say. None of which I said. Even when my mind kept saying, “Tell her. Tell her about the movie. Tell her about my mom.” But, Mrs. Lynch, her partner, my daughter, and I just had a simple conversation about our experiences in Japan seeing other Black people. It was a cool conversation and then just like that it was over.

When I got back to the table and told my friend who I was talking to, he was in shock. “I know her. I know her. She is 007.” For the rest of the time at the restaurant, all we talked about was how unlikely it was that we would see her there. And when I told him how I was just imagining her playing my mom in a movie, he asked me if I told her. When I said I didn’t, he asked why not. My only response was, “I don’t know.” He also asked why I didn’t ask for a picture. When I told him that I never do that, he said, “Well I did a bad thing then.” That’s when he showed me the picture he took of all of us in conversation. The only reason I haven’t posted it though is because she didn’t know it was being taken.

How crazy is that though? I thought of Lashana Lynch and she appeared. Time collapsed. I hadn’t even gotten two pages into the screenplay and my imaginings of talking to her bore fruit. Even though I didn’t talk to her about the film as I imagined, I still talked to her. That had to be a sign right? How could it get any clearer than that? I was going in the direction toward bringing the book and screenplay out of my mind and into the world.

And then 10 days later, walking up and alley to side of the Philosopher’s Path in Kyoto, I get another sign as I came upon Oprah Winfrey and Gayle King, both of whom–had I been able to stretch out the time, I would have said so much. But, as I already got into, I was overwhelmed. However, what I didn’t say that added to my overwhelm was that just as I was about to say to Mrs. Winfrey and King that I had also seen Lashana Lynch 450km away in Tokyo and ask if they were traveling together, I turned around and guess who was standing there…

AVA DUVERNAY!!!

Can you believe it? The director of the critically acclaimed film Origin based on the book Caste by Elizabeth Wilkerson, was right in front of me. The other person I had been talking to in my head about this movie idea. And when I saw her, I was just done. I have seen a miracle or two in my life. But, this was too much. I had literally been in conversations with all three of these famous women in my head for almost two weeks and I met all three of them in two different cities in Japan. Add to that that while in Japan, I had watched an episode of Gayle King’s new show with Charles Barkley, King Charles and the day before watched a comedian talk about her show as well.

I am not exaggerating when I say that for a moment I wondered if I was dreaming. I was reviewing all of the imagined conversations I had had with Lashana and Ava and trying to make sense of the fact that I was literally face to face with Ava DuVernay in that moment. In my mind, I was, as I was when I met Mrs. Lynch, saying “Tell her. Tell her about the movie. Tell her about my mom.” But instead I just yell out, “Oh my God. I owe you a movie.” To which she looks at me confused and says, “Excuse me.” That’s when Oprah covers for me and says, “Oh you didn’t see Origin yet?” I don’t know what I meant. But, I say, “Yes. That’s it. I haven’t seen Origins.” I explain how I was supposed to go see it with some friends in a group I am part of called The Chocolate Circle. And that’s when Oprah tells Ava to get in a picture with my family that we can show to The Chocolate Circle.

Filled with awe and frankly confusion, after a few minutes, I thank them and say goodbye. And that’s it. From that day to this, I keep revisiting those moments wondering what they came into my life to show me and what I could’ve said differently, which was a lot. Every person who has heard the story asks the same questions.

• Did you tell them your name?
• Did you tell them how you manifested them?
• Did you tell them about the work you do to bring people together across differences?

In every instance, the answer was no. I didn’t say anything I could’ve said or should’ve said. I just said what I said. But like I realized with my mom as I was imagining this movie idea, it is very possible that in reality the past, the present, and the future all occupy the same point in eternity. So, it is never too late to say what I wish I said.

What I can say is that these encounters felt like a result of some relational healing with my mom. But more than that, there was an underlying normalcy to the encounters as well. Even though they were extraordinary, there was an awareness that almost felt like predestination. I can’t say more than that. I cannot say if I will finish the book or the screenplay or that I will ever encounter any of them again. However, the fruit of the encounters show me and remind me that there are more connections in this world than we can sometimes see and there is something very real about our thoughts creating our reality.

So, as I am typing this with my mom on the phone reading, I am committing myself to keep working on the story and see where it takes me.

By the way, I told my mom that I met Oprah. She said that she knows her. When I asked where she knew her from, she said, “From here, there, and where I was.” To which I responded, “Cool. Then maybe you can put her back in touch with me.”