One of the most impactful experiences in my life was being punched severely after a basketball game by one of my own teammates who blamed me for our loss. Now mind you that this was not a high stakes game. There was no money on the table. We were not in the final game of a championship season. There wasn’t even a love interest’s affections on the line. The most we had to gain from winning was nothing more than playground bragging rights–the energetic shelf life of which is probably less than 24 hours barring any outrageous feats of athleticism. And yet, the teen who punched me was so upset by the loss that he was willing to inflict violence as a way of distancing himself from the embarrassment of losing. As if, by his fist coming in contact with my body, he was saying to himself and the entire Universe, “I wouldn’t have lost if it were not for Pedro. And so, by disassociating from this loser, I am still somehow a winner.”
For years after that encounter, I wondered why he made that decision. What happened to him that made him so insecure that he sought strength in trying to diminish someone smaller than him? And what made him feel so embarrassed about losing this virtually no stakes game that he was willing to risk suspension or other consequences had I chosen to report him? Lying there on the ground, looking up at him and the other people laughing, I actually felt sorry for him–for all of them. They had no idea who they were under the veneer of worthlessness that is impressed upon many of us when we come into this world. Fortunately for me, even though I was the one on the ground trying to catch my breath, I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that whatever had infected them had no home in me.
All of my life I have been something of an empath. Without even trying, my gut has almost always been right about what was underneath people’s behaviors. And very often the outside didn’t match what was on the inside. I’ve met atheists who, from a morality standpoint, were more Christian than people who attend church every Sunday. I’ve met poor people who were greedier than the most seemingly aggressive capitalist. And, I have met liars so honest that they would put seeming truth-tellers to shame. So, when I looked at my attacker, I knew he didn’t hit me because he was a horrible person. Even though I was punched, in many ways, he was the victim. Not of violence, but of a narrative that is pervasive in American society. The one that tells us that being wrong, losing, or being seen as deficient in any way is cause for rejection rather than simply in indicator of where our opportunities for improvement emerge.
I cannot count the number of times I’ve witnessed people’s avoidance of being wrong or losing leading them to act outside of their own consciences or professed values. And more than that, because many of us deny our growth capacities in exchange for the illusion of perfection or having it all together, our ignorance often becomes entrenched. So much so, that we even begin to detest the humility of those who can admit their need for growth or the limits of their current ability to form an opinion on a particular subject due to lack of sufficient information. We see people like this as weak or untrustworthy. And people who are full of unearned confidence and bluster as strong and worthy of our emotional investments.When the reality couldn’t be further from the truth.
Consider this. In the basketball incident, prior to entering the game, I told the young man whose destiny it was to punch me, that I didn’t know how to play basketball. His response was that as a Black person, I should know how to play. He consequently threw the ball to me and told me to take a shot. Despite my initial hesitancy, I decided to hurl the ball full strength to prove to him that I had serious room for improvement. The chances of me making the shot were so unlikely, I might as well have taken it with my eyes closed. Besides not knowing what I was doing, I was beyond what would come in as a 3 point shot had I made it.
The angle from which I was taking this shot was so ridiculous that I smirked at the thought of the ball making the bong sound as it smacked that backboard and headed off in some unpredictable direction based on the unstable trajectory of the shot. But that smirk on my face was not interpreted as a lack of confidence in my ability, but rather as its complete opposite. Because as the ball left my finger tips, it floated through the air like it was assisted by angels a la the Disney movie, Angels in the Outfield, and SWISH it went in easier than thread through a knitting needle. It was truly something to behold.
Well, needless to say, making that shot impressed my would be bully and he felt all but guaranteed that, with my help, his team was going to win. Despite my protests that I didn’t know how I made that shot, he insisted that I play. Well, let’s just say the angels abandoned me. And I guess they abandoned the rest of the team too because playing with me was worse than being short two people. Not only could I not shoot, I didn’t know the rules very well and my passing game was lacking. And so was my receiving for that matter, because the chances of me catching the ball were equal to or lesser than me making another shot. Really, the only positive thing that you can say about the game was that I didn’t give up until the game was over and that the guy waited until all hope was lost before he punched me.
How You Play Games Mirrors How You Play in Life
Some of the best workshops I’ve attended and or led have all used some type of game to help the participants see how they play in life. People don’t often think about it this way. But, games are nothing short of decision simulators. That’s why in general you can tell a lot about a person and their motivations by playing games with them. And when it comes to inner constitutional integrity, you find that the old adage is true, “It’s not whether you win or lose. It’s how you play the game.” Unfortunately, in American society, we are typically taught that life itself is a game and that we should operate from a zero sum mentality where we see the gains of others as our losses and our own losses–though we are programmed to deny them–as irreparable deficiencies that we should avoid admitting at all costs within reason. As a result, we see people cheating, sabotaging, changing the rules or whatever they can to come out as a self perceived winner. Sadly, it is when we pretend to win that we lose the most.
“It’s not whether you win or lose, it’s how you play the game. Failure isn’t bad if it doesn’t attack the heart. Success is all right if it doesn’t go to the head.” – Grantland Rice, American Sportswriter
Winners and Learners
One of my mentors, Marshall Thurber, has repeatedly said to me that for a person to remain in their integrity we must understand that in life there are no winners and losers. There are only winners and learners. From his perspective, to be born into this world at all, is to win. Everything else is learning. According to him and many theorists, the chances of us existing at all are next to zero. As the video below says, “to be alive at all is to win the greatest lottery imaginable”. This is my perspective as well. And as such, I do my best to take every experience–even ones that leave me on the ground in pain–as icing on the cake. Now, as a recipient of that wisdom, I do my best to invite as many people as I can into that awareness. In the grand scheme of things, we cannot lose. Toward that effort, I offer you this list of reasons why so many of us avoid seeing perceived losing or being wrong as the learning opportunities that they really are.
- Cultural Emphasis on Individualism and Success: American culture often places a high value on individualism, competition, and success. Admitting ignorance or being wrong can sometimes be perceived as a sign of weakness or failure, which may lead people to avoid these situations.
- Fear of Judgment: People may fear being judged or perceived negatively by others if they admit they don’t know something or made a mistake. This fear of judgment can lead to defensive behaviors, including pretending to know more than they do.
- Social Pressure and Expectations: There can be social pressures to appear knowledgeable and confident, especially in professional or social settings. This pressure can influence people to bluff their way through situations rather than admit their limitations.
- Cognitive Dissonance: Cognitive dissonance occurs when there’s a discrepancy between beliefs and actions or between new information and existing beliefs. Admitting one is wrong can create discomfort due to this discrepancy, leading people to defend their beliefs or pretend to know more to resolve the dissonance.
- Educational System Emphasis: The educational system in many countries, including the U.S., often places a strong emphasis on grades, test scores, and being right. This can contribute to a mindset where being wrong is seen as a failure rather than an opportunity for learning.
- Overestimation of Knowledge: Research has shown that people tend to overestimate their own knowledge and abilities, a phenomenon known as the Dunning-Kruger effect. This overestimation can lead people to believe they know more than they actually do and to resist acknowledging their ignorance.
In effect, to lose like a winner is simply to take every experience that you are graced to have in this life as a learning opportunity. In contrast, to lose like a winner is to go about this life as if you know everything that needs to be known about everyone and everything refusing to admit that you have not invested enough time and other resources to be able to fully grasp much of what we express with confidence. Denying vulnerabilities are not strength. Doing this is the equivalent of painting over rust and it will eventually reveal a lack of the integrity needed to build sustainable trust. Fortunately, because this world is a learning system, shifting from perceived loser to learner is always just a decision away.
If you are interested in cultivating a learner’s mentality or creating a learning team structure, I welcome you to reach out for a 1:1 conversation.
Higher Up Consulting 